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“Parents just don’t understand” is age-old refrain, but it might have a whole new layer of meaning today. With most teenagers cut off from school, their friends, sports, hobbies and everything else that filled their days pre-pandemic, the parent-child relationship is under more stress than ever.
In “The Hardest Fight to Have With Your Teen” Jessica Grose writes about the challenges of parenting adolescents during the pandemic:
I have long thought that when it comes to being a parent in the pandemic, it might be the hardest for parents of teenagers. Parents of little ones can meet most of our children’s social needs, and our kids still kind of want to be around us. Not so for parents of teens. I recall with poignant shame what a complete nightmare I was at 16 when I was told, for various sensible reasons, that I could not hang out with my idiot friends …
She continues:
So in fairness to teens in 2020, this is a particularly difficult time to be young. “Pandemic conditions are at cross currents with normal adolescent development,” said Lisa Damour, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and the author of The New York Times’s Adolescence column. The most powerful forces driving development for middle and high schoolers are increased independence over time, along with being with one’s peers, Dr. Damour said, and the virus curtails both of those things.
But Generation Z is not a monolith — it’s made up of millions of individuals with very different backgrounds, personalities and life circumstances. Which explains why a handful of new studies have shown that the pandemic has been a mixed bag for teenagers, and that teens who are worried about their basic needs being met are more depressed than those who have more stable financial circumstances.
The article continues:
I asked Dr. Damour what she thought about the disparate results of these surveys. First, she mentioned that stress is something that’s cumulative, not just for teens, but for everybody. “It’s impossible for us to say that Covid is X amount stressful for teens, because it’s entirely contingent on what other factors are at play,” she said. “If your family is impoverished or on the verge of poverty, Covid-19 lays on top of that. If your family is dealing with systemic racism, Covid-19 lays on top of that.” The universals that the whole country is experiencing, like the impact to teens’ social lives and schooling, can only be seen through the lens of the other stressors in their lives.
And the quality of a teen’s relationship with their parents is more important than ever right now, since we’re smooshed together for prolonged periods of time. “There are plenty of teens who get along with their parents and love their parents,” she said, as well as, “a lot of teens who have friction with their parents, or may not feel accepted by their parents for any variety of reasons. And for whom going to school each day and being around the ‘good grown-ups’ of school, were how they were getting through their adolescence.”
The article concludes with some advice for parents:
Finally, I asked Dr. Damour what parents can do if they’re fighting with their teens about socializing. Not all kids are like my teen jerk self, who desperately wanted to spend her time in dank and unsupervised basements with poor ventilation — in fact, many teens are taking the virus incredibly seriously and are more risk-averse than their parents. Dr. Damour said these are the worst kinds of fights to have — there’s no definitively right answer — and she advised that parents and teens try to do some role playing to see it from the other person’s perspective, even if it feels a bit corny.
Say to your teen: “Let me try to articulate it from your perspective,” and really try to express their point of view. You should even stop and ask, What am I missing? What am I not getting here? And then, allow your teen to do the same back to you. “It isn’t a solution, but it often paves the way to a solution,” Dr. Damour said, because parents and kids alike can get stuck in their own perspectives about the pandemic, and this exercise can get them at least a little unstuck. It won’t solve all your problems with your adolescent, though as I recall from being a teenager, only time will do that.
Students, read the entire article, then tell us:
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What should parents and the other adults in your life know about what it is like to be a teenager during the coronavirus pandemic? What unique challenges do young people face? What do you wish adults understood about what you’re going through now?
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How is your relationship with your parents or guardians during this crisis? What conflicts and friction, if any, have you had? For instance, do you ever argue over socializing or safety protocols? What things have your parents and other adults in your life gotten right about your needs and challenges?
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Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and the author of The New York Times’s Adolescence column, says that “pandemic conditions are at cross currents with normal adolescent development.” What do you think she means by that statement? Do you agree that “this is a particularly difficult time to be young”?
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What is your reaction to the surveys of teenagers cited in the article? Which findings resonate with your own experiences during the pandemic? Do you think that your own mental health and social life are significantly worse than they were pre-pandemic?
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What do you think of the article’s advice for parents? Do you think that having them say to their teens “Let me try to articulate it from your perspective” would be effective? What recommendations would you give to parents and other adults?
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If you were a parent of teenagers, how would you approach parenting in a pandemic? What kinds of rules and expectations would you have about socializing and social distancing? What would you do to meet their needs as adolescents?
Note: If you are a teenager in the United States who would like to say more, we invite you to contribute to our Coming of Age in 2020 Contest. You can tell us in words or images, audio or video, anything you like about how this tumultuous year has affected you. Deadline: Nov. 12.
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Students 13 and older in the United States and the United Kingdom, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public.
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What Do You Want Your Parents to Know About What It’s Like to Be a Teenager During the Pandemic? - The New York Times
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