Depression. Fun topic for the holiday season! But then again, I’ve never been one to pretend all is well when in so many situations, it most definitely is not. Facing a COVID holiday season seems to add insult to injury when it comes to the holiday blues, so I think it’s a topic worth addressing.
Having struggled with depression myself, and helped many of my clients with it, I find that what can be even more painful than depression is the shame we heap upon ourselves for being depressed in the first place.
We tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel this way. We feel guilty for being a burden to our families. We’re angry at ourselves for not being able to “snap out of it”. We can sense our own heaviness weighing down the people around us and we feel helpless to stop it, so often we isolate, or at the very least, fake it till we make it. We hide our depression so as to not rain on everyone’s parade, and that effort to hide ourselves and present a more acceptable (false) version only further leads to feelings of disconnection and loneliness. Even worse, because we’re so ashamed of our demons, we don’t get the help we need and so we really do prolong the suffering for everyone, because let’s face it, you can’t really hide your dark mood from the people close to you.
There is no shame in depression. Let me say that again in case you didn’t hear me, there is no shame in depression. You’re not broken, or less valuable, or unworthy of love and connection because you have a brain that gets depressed. In fact, I want to propose that you’re more courageous than most, because you are struggling with a very real hardship and you still show up for your life in spite of it.
We live in a culture where good feelings are the ultimate prize. Everything we’re sold is meant to make us feel amazing. God forbid you show up to the party with something less than a fun, cheery demeanor. My coach calls it Feel Good Fascism. It’s the idea that feeling good is morally superior and feeling bad is “less than,” and it makes you weak, ungrateful, or somehow defective.
The reason depression makes us so uncomfortable is because we believe there is something wrong with it. My own depression was a combination of chemical imbalance and a lack of connection to myself and others. Depression is often a cry for connection. But because depression is so ugly and inconvenient, I felt the need to gloss over it for years, using alcohol as a lubricant to slide through life. I didn’t address why I felt so depressed for a very long time, and I didn’t get help for even longer.
We feel depressed, we feel ashamed for being depressed, and so it remains in the dark causing so much more pain and suffering than needed. Were we to accept negative feelings as a vital part of the human experience and build the same love and tolerance for the bad as we do for the good, depression could come out of the closet and tell us whatever it’s been trying to say all this time.
Don’t add fuel to your fire by shaming yourself. It doesn’t help. Answer the phone, depression is calling and trying to tell you something, listen to what it’s saying, and get help if needed. You are not weak for needing help. You’re human, and congratulations on not being a sociopath. Only freaks are “happy” all the time.
Depression is often not something we can choose our way out of. But feeling shame about depression is a choice. Normalize it. Own it. Bring it into the light. In accepting it you will find a connection back to yourself, which is what we are all craving at the end of the day.
Rebecca Stark Thornberry is a Mastery Certified Life Coach and the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com. If you have questions you would like answered in this article, or would like to inquire about coaching please submit to rebecca@rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
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December 12, 2020 at 09:02PM
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