Nurturing significant relationships can be challenging. But the added strain of negative external influences such as COVID-19 and recent events around racial injustices can break a vulnerable marriage.
Turbulent times have been known to increase the rate of divorce and breakups.
Dealing with such circumstances can quickly throw us into “stress mode,” where we operate from the fight-or-flight part of our brain. This is activated chemically when the body thinks it’s under attack.
Unfortunately, this defensive posture can compel us to react poorly with key relationships. We may feel agitated and aggressive, avoid conflict, or we might simply shut down. None of these states is conducive to supporting a healthy significant relationship.
If you find that you are tense, keyed up, checked out, or simply not handling things well with your partner, here are five recommendations for finding the emotional bandwidth to create a more conciliatory space together.
Check-in with your emotions
The key to managing emotions is to be aware of them first. Many of us have walked away from a disagreement wishing we had handled things differently.
Do you ever find yourself asking, “How did that even escape my lips?” This is an indicator that you didn’t recognize an emotion before it became unmanageable.
Begin checking in with yourself two to three times daily and identify an emotion you are feeling. As you sharpen your awareness around this, you will begin to identify an emotion on the rise during tense situations – and decide what you want to do with it before damage is done.
Manage emotions proactively
Once you begin developing more emotional awareness before it gets away from you, you can also decide how you want to manage it.
Do you need to take a breath or a timeout during a tense moment, instead of shutting down or spouting off? Decide how you want to regulate your emotions so these don’t get in the way of handling the situation appropriately.
And remember, once you reach a shut-down or boiling point, it takes your brain and body time to settle down and return to the situation calmly. Consider announcing a need for a break from a critical conversation when this happens and ask if you can revisit this later in the day.
Let your partner own their emotions
Are you someone who feels desperate when a spouse becomes highly emotional? You may be taking on their emotions or feel a sense of anxiety and want to calm them down so that you feel alright.
Here’s a fact: Just as you are entitled to your own emotions, so is your partner.
If you find yourself saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Don’t feel sad,” this means you are actually minimizing the way they feel.
Consider acknowledging their emotions, instead. “I get that you are feeling angry, right now,” or “You seem like you are feeling irritated.” This will allow them to feel recognized and actually help them to regulate emotionally so they can stay in the conversation. It will also keep you from trying to take their emotions on and feeling depleted later.
Manage conversations positively
Learning to manage your emotions and allowing your partner to manage theirs is key to managing conversations together.
As you learn to acknowledge emotions before they become unmanageable, you will also be able to remain in the “executive” portion of your brain (rather than fight-or-flight) where you do your best thinking and decision-making. This makes for a more productive conversation with your partner as you address critical issues.
Remember to identify things on which you agree and put these out front as you begin your talk together. Recalling shared values and interests at the beginning will set the stage for a “we” instead of a “you against me” scenario.
Acknowledge the bad
If you and your partner were given a false impression that committed relationships would be easy and life would be light, it’s time for a reality check. There are ups and downs, hills and valleys.
The point here is that considering a breakup as an easy way out of a difficulty is most times faulty thinking. Challenges will always be with us, and in every marriage. It is not whether we have challenges, but when we do, how we will handle these. This is what makes the difference.
And finally, please don’t neglect to get an appropriate professional to help you with your significant relationship if you wonder how things might be better. Once considered a “last-ditch” effort for ailing relationships, we now realize that couples’ therapy should be seen as proactive support to keep such an important union on an even keel.
Patti Cotton works with executives, business owners, and their companies, to elevate and support leadership at all levels. Reach her at Patti@PattiCotton.com.
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